Ten Years
10 August 2024
I turned 30 in late July, and I fell straight in to that silly cliche of being a little sad about it. It took a few weeks, but I think I understand what it is I'm feeling, and it's not sadness at turning 30, but more a complicated reminiscence of everything I did over the past 10 years. Plenty good, but plenty bad too. I can't undo any of it, but finishing off a whole decade of life kind of brought it to the surface.
Ten years ago I did not know what I wanted to do as a career. Now I am a senior software engineer.
It was almost an accident, sure I studied computing at university but I had no interest in it as a career. I had a job selling woodburning stoves and was the only one competent enough to manage the computers. Inadvertently I found I was pretty good at tech support and started to apply for jobs. I got one, and from there I spoke to software developers and was offered the opportunity to join as a junior. I've switched companies a few times, and also abandoned the whole thing once. I came back though, and now I'm a senior in my team.
Ten years ago I had never been to a funeral. Now I have been to three.
Nobody close to me had ever died. I knew I was lucky, I knew the day would come, and it did. I don't think anything can prepare you for how you feel when you lose someone dear. I think it is different for everyone, my reaction was to deep-clean the kitchen; really scrub the grime off the hob.
Ten years ago I had never really been in love. Now I am married.
I had relationships, sure, just not particularly long ones. It was infatuation, not love. I met my wife online when I was 21 and we talked for six months before meeting up. That was the first time I left the country alone, and only the third time leaving the country ever. It was scary for both of us, but here we are married for two years.
Ten years ago I played a game called pandemic. Now I have lived through one.
The pandemic took a lot from me. It took a lot from everyone, I know. It was during the pandemic I experienced my first funeral, my grandfather. It was right after the first lockdown, when restrictions were tight but funerals were allowed. I cried a lot, and then my grandmother hugged me. For the next two weeks I was terrified that I could have been infected at the time and passed it on to her. What if I killed my own grandmother at my grandfather's funeral? How could I live with myself? Fortunately I was not positive, and this fear faded.
Ten years ago I had never cooked dinner for myself or anyone else. Now I love to cook for me and my wife.
I still lived at home and was lucky enough to get all my dinners cooked for me. The closest to cooking I did was microwaving a burger or burrito. Shortly before I turned 22 I moved out for the first time and lived alone. The first "dinner" I cooked was a frozen pizza, which I took out of the oven with a tea-towel. Yes, I burned my hand and dropped it. The pizza landed face-down on the floor. The only other thing I had to eat was spicy pork belly slices, so I made those instead. I did not drop them.
Since then I have acquired an excellent set of stainless steel pans along with a couple of cast-iron pieces. I enjoy finding recipes from different places and have some fantasy books, like a Lord of the Rings themed cookbook, as well as several sites I like to visit. Some of these recipes make their way to my site when I've got the inclination to actually add them. I don't cook as often as I wished I did, but I do like to be in the kitchen. I just don't use tea-towels to pull hot things out of the oven anymore.
Ten years ago I worried about having enough money to get drunk. Now I worry about my mortgage.
Before I was gainfully employed I spent most days sleeping and most nights drinking. Being unemployed I needed to ensure I had enough to make it through the night and get a taxi home. These days are behind me, I can't handle the hangovers anymore and much prefer quiet nights. I never thought I'd be so invested in what the interest rate is, but here I am checking constantly for a better mortgage deal.
Ten years ago the future felt hopeless. Now I'm not so sure.
I think it could be okay.